by Master James (Master James Fetlife profile can be found HERE)
All rights reserved used with permission of the author
Author’s Note: This is not a universal guide or a path to the proverbial “one true way”. This is written from my perspective as a Master in my own D/s & M/s relationships, and my perspective as the Master of the House of Cadifor. It is directed at submissives who would look to engage with me or my House in a Power Exchange dynamic.
Before you contemplate moving from the playground kinkster world of Topping & Bottoming and pursuing a D/s relationship of enduring Power Exchange, please contemplate the following:
Acceptance
You are entering into a D/s relationship. This by definition isn’t fair or equitable. It is hard, challenging, and often confronting. It is also incredibly rewarding, but it sure as shit isn’t fair.
Dedication
The journey you are entering on is a long one, and many times along the way you will want to give up. The dedication required to stay true to the cause is greater than any other endeavour you may have undertaken, and you will suffer doubt and despair. At times like these you will need to draw upon that dedication. You have made a commitment and you are cheating your true self if you don’t see it through.
Honesty
For D/s to work total 100% honestly from the submissive is a non- negotiable requirement. Your new Owner needs to get to know ever intimate part of you, the good and the bad. Withholding is not allowed for a sub. On occasions, your Owner may withhold for management purposes. Again; this isn’t fair. Get used to it.
Effort
You are going to be given tasks to complete, and protocols to implement. These will start off small and simple, but they will grow. You are expected to put in maximum effort and apply yourself to all things to your best ability. Lack of effort shows and undermines the faith your Owner will have in your ability and willingness to complete future tasks. If you have questions or doubt regarding a task or protocol, communicate this openly and honestly with your Owner.
Trust
Trust works its way into every other aspect of D/s. If you don’t have trust, then you don’t have anything. You need to trust that your Owner wants the very best for you, that your owner is doing what is necessary out of unselfish motives.
Sacrifice
You are going to have to give up many things in order to gain the benefits of deep submission in a caring and nurturing D/s relationship. As you hand over power to your Owner, all the things that were once rights, become privileges: sexual gratification, sexual relationships, privacy, pleasure pain, play, pride, shame, and much of what previously was considered your sense of self.
Patience
As stated above; this is a long road to travel. It is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be bumps along the way, and mistakes will be made; both by yourself and your Owner. As you slide further into D/s you will often feel needy. You will want things from your Owner and you will want them “now”. You will need to develop the patience required to focus on the long term, rather than the immediate.
In conclusion:
D/s isn’t easy, but it is rewarding. Know what you’re getting into, if you want to get the most out of it. But just like everything else in life; you get out, what you put in.
Am a submissive ..held hostage by a DOM…trust isn’t always there
DIsgusting article. Basically role over & take it. Should have a Proper sub commenting AND what is expected of a dom
How is this a site that’s meant to encourage avoiding abuse/being abusive, and yet it says that the relationship isn’t “supposed to be fair”? A d/s relationship CAN be fair and all that’s required is some basic human decency. I can’t imagine any circumstance where a sub isn’t allowed to own at least who they are, and what they need, as well as why a dom would have ANY reason to blatantly lie and keep secrets. That isn’t helpful, that’s unnecessary and that’s a great reason people look down on the d/s lifestyle when this article is a very poor representative of it. Subs GIVE themselves into their relationships, and doms are supposed to use that in a meaningful, sincere and constructive manner. Doms being basically poor partners who withhold basics is not an excuse, because then that’s implying that a sub can’t, shouldn’t, or is less of a good sub for leaving what’s basically a relationship that doesn’t meet their needs.
Im a tad baffled at the negative reception of this post. The author clearly stated these are the expectations of His house, outlined upfront and defined for anyone considering joining. If you can’t step up to the plate don’t enter the field.
I can recognize similarity in the author’s views and expectations in how my Dominant interacts and relates to me. There are differences but the commonality in both cases is that relinquishing freedom through submission is a lengthy process its true but quite liberating.
Complete honesty should be expected from both sides. I couldn’t imagine having a Dom who would purposely withhold information for any reason. Trust is earned through honesty and trust is essential to a D/s relationship.
I think this article is written under the wrong assumption that’s a D/s dynamic is not give and take like any other relationship. For my obedience, I get in return the most loving and caring Dom on earth. My Dom is attentive to my every need as I am attentive to his. His needs are for me to follow his orders and direction, my needs are to be taken care of physically and emotionally– almost paternally.
My relationship is fair, at least to me. He grabs medicine when I need it, bandages me when I injure myself, makes sure I have food/water (sounds really basic but every time we finish a scene he always asks if I ‘m hungry/thirsty. I always say no, but the gesture is sweet), and the little things like grabbing a napkin and setting it next to me if we are at the bar. He holds me and caresses me until I fall asleep, and when I smile he kisses me to make my smile that much bigger.
I’m not willing to submit to a Dom that doesn’t show me the give and take is fair. My Dom is my protector and dotes on me just as I serve him and worship him.
People will fit into different archetypes for whatever works for them and feels fulfilling and fair.
I’m just starting a Dom/sub relationship. My domain wants me to give him my expectations but I’m not sure what they should be. Anyone have any suggestions
Start with the BDSM hard and soft limits agreement sheet. You can find them all over the internet. Fill it out together and discuss it thoroughly. It will give him an idea on what direction to go.
Take your time right off the start. Slow and steady wins the race. If you are not sure of what you expect let him know. Be open and honest.
I was linked this by a friend, as a master I find this absolutely disgusting.
To each their own… to an extent. This is harder to take seriously than 50 Shades… And honestly, you don’t sound like a Dom or Master, you fit the profile of a sociopath.
My only hope is that this writing of yours, and the replies help to show people curious about the culture or about a relationship what to avoid AT ALL COSTS.
Is there anyone, a dom or sub, that I can ask some questions of about my relationship? I really need to talk to someone that can tell me if some of the behaviors of my dominant are healthy and fair. Ive never done this before and when I try to talk to him, explain that the things he promised to me such as caring for me both physically and emotionally are not happening and every time he says to me I am a pathetic sub and that there are thousands of better women and subs than me and if I dont get it right and fast, he will leave me. He was the one teaching me about this style of life and without his guidance and the threats of what I better do, I dont know how to learn or develop. Is he a dominant or is he just a mean person that is using me to fill his needs to beat me. Aftercare that Im reading about does not exist for us: he gets all he wants from me sexually, financially, emotionally and I get sex and then told all my flaws. I need someone safe to talk to.
Hi Candy..
I have just come across this writing and read it with displeasure.
From my perspective and what you have written my advice is get out.
No aftercare means no care at all for his actions towards you..
Walk away..
Mike
Hi Candy,
As someone who has been on both sides of the table, and has experienced my fair share of abusive relationships. My advice would be to get out, and to do so with the support of others that can help to keep you safe. Your words raise an awful lot of red flags, no dom/domme would call their sub pathetic outside of a humiliation scene, and even that would, imo, be a push. If he is not guiding you, giving you aftercare etc, than yes, he is just a mean person and the relationship is at the very least emotionally abusive.
this is just ridiculous and Ludacris it is obviesly not a sub writing this. Honesty and trust and respect works both ways and it’s the sub that defines the limits
and if it’s not fair it’s not good enough it has to be fair
I hope no subs take on this disgusting ” advice ” !
New to D/s lifestyle am look for but not find info on D/s without BDSM any help please