Violent Date Rape

by Liquid Jade

(c) July 2013 All rights reserved This article is the sole property of the author and CAN NOT be reprinted in any format without express written permission of the author.

** TRIGGER WARNING **

This is a personal account of an actual rape and may cause triggers for some people.

 

I began delving into kink and BDSM when I found there were others who were as fond of rope as I was. I never played with these new friends. I only spoke online or I went to coffee with a few people. As I became more comfortable with online communication, I placed an ad (back in the day when it was free) looking for a companion. Online, I met a man who identified as Dominant. His name is Bryan. The correspondence with him went well.

I was excited and comfortable talking with him. I shared a fantasy with him and he told me it was the hottest thing he had read and envisioned me as the perfect rope submissive. I was delighted to be someone’s perfect something. I was naïve and hungry for a position of importance to and for someone.

Bryan and I continued to talk for months. Eventually, we thought meeting would be the next step. He was from out of state and planned a weekend visit during my birthday. I was excited. I felt like I was on top of the world. Someone who accepted my fantasies was coming into town and would provide me with some insight into this world that I longed to be a part of. It was my 24th birthday and I had thought it would be the best birthday ever. It has been the most memorable, though the worst birthday in my life rather than best.

I picked up Bryan from the airport. To my surprise Bryan did not bring any of his toys, books or tools he said that he would share with me. The first night was wonderful. We had dinner and watched a movie and went back to his room and cuddled. He was the perfect gentleman.

The next night was an evening out at a performance with friends. My roommate at the time did not like him. She told me she could not put her finger on it, but there was something wrong with him. I should have listened, but did not.

I thought she was just being weird. What did I care? She was going out of town in the morning and he was only in town for the weekend. I thought I could handle it. Besides, Bryan was better in person than online. I felt beautiful and special.

He was touching and caressing me while giving me soft kisses. He was also joking around with most of my friends. We were having a great night. Later that night we went back to his hotel room. He kissed me and asked me if I wanted to ‘make love’. I said yes. He told me to take my clothes off. I did. He asked me to wait on the bed. He looked at me and asked me to put my dress back on. I did and went back to the bed.

He made no eye contact with me. He walked up to me pushed me down onto
the bed, penetrated me, it hurt I was not ready, and he did not look at me while he fucked me. He looked at the wall. When he was done, He was done. He did not orgasm. He said he was bored and physically disgusted with me. He told me I did not deserve his orgasm, least of all one of my own. Not yet.

I was confused. I did not know what was happening. I thought we were just having a good time, regular sex and it was not. I freaked out asked what was happening, he ignored me and my questions. I began to cry, he slapped me and told me to leave. He told me I was not worthy of his cock.

I left crying and confused. When I got home there was a message on my
answering machine from him. He basically said that he forgave me for my outburst and my whorish wants. That it was for him to decide what kind of sex I could have. He also told me I was beautiful and special to him and he would give me a chance to make it up to him. I deleted the message.

I never agreed to any of this. This type of play was never brought up in our conversations either before we met face to face or at anytime during the weekend. I was angry, hurt, and confused. I really didn’t know what it was that had happened. I didn’t know if this was some sort of BDSM play or what exactly had happened.

He called in the morning. I picked up the phone and set it down again. He called back. I hung up on him again. He called again and I let it go to voicemail. He left a message that was “sweet and heartfelt”. He apologized for acting so rash with someone so new, special, and delicate. He wanted to make it up to me. It was his last day in town. He was leaving the next evening and he did not want to end on a bad note. He wanted to see me before he left because I was that special and he did not know when he would be back into town.

I did not return his call and deleted the message. Later that day, he showed up to my apartment, with flowers. I caved and let him in. I was getting ready to have ice cream and a movie.  My roommates were out of town. We sat and talked. Watched TV in my room and I feel asleep.

I woke up with him choking me. He had used stockings and scarves to bind my arms above my head, to the top of my platform bed. He was looking at me and when he saw I was awake he proceeded to beat my face in, kiss it and then beat me again.

I asked him to stop. I begged him to stop, I told him no – I screamed, I yelled it through tears and blood. He ignored me. Every time he tried to kiss me he would punch slap or choke me. He continued the beatings up and down my body. I passed out. I woke up again to him raping me in the ass while trying to shove his fist in my vagina. He forced both until I bled. Nothing about him was small.

I continued to scream hoping someone would hear me or come and help me- I begged for him to stop; to just go away. He continued to ignore me and only smirked and scoffed at my pleas. He orgasmed multiple times and managed to rip one orgasm from my body. I screamed no,no, no, no, no as loud as I could. He put a pillow over my head. I wished for death but instead I passed out again. I woke up to him eating a sandwich, watching me. Then he started the cycle over again.

I asked him why was he doing this to me. He told me I was his to use as he wanted, and this is what he wanted.He continued abusing me the rest of the night and morning- he would stop to rest, pop pills, eat, and start the abuse again – he didn’t stop until near afternoon.

It was nearly 20 hours of hell. I was angry I survived. I was ashamed.

He told me to clean up. He released me and I did as I was told. I was in a numb coagulated mess of pain. I crawled to the bathroom.

I drove him to the airport. He was happy and he said that he loved me. His happiness made me sick. I told him I never wanted to see him again. He said something like I should not ask for things I wanted if I couldn’t handle it. I told him I didn’t ask for any of it – he said I did when I shared my fantasy.

None of that had anything to do with the fantasy I shared. It had everything to do with him being a predator and abusing me.

I went to a local women’s shelter after the airport and talked to a “rape Counselor” who told me I was not really abused or raped.  I had consented to have sex with him and I had an orgasm therefore it wasn’t rape. In addition,  I drove him to the airport showing that I still cared about him. She told me I needed to learn to not play so rough. And with that, they rushed me out of their office.

I was devastated and confused. Did I really Ask for it? Did I get what I deserved?
I locked myself away until the bruises and cuts were healed enough I could conceal them with clothing and or makeup. I was alone. The people who were suppose to help did not. They reinforced Bryan, the rapist, the predator. I tried to tell my roommate what happened but she just said “I told you so”. I never told her all if it. I just stopped talking.

All of them were  right, it was my fault. I made my bed I had to lie in it…or so I thought at the time.

I stopped all online connections. Bryan called a few times. I never responded. My roommate told him I moved. It took years to come to terms with what happened to me and even longer to realize it was not my fault. I did not venture back into kink for years let alone into another relationship with a man.

There wasn’t any negotiation, there was no safe word. I said no. I said stop…over and over again.  Bryan did not acknowledge me, did not accept my refusal. What Bryan did do was rape me. He violated me over and over again; not only physically but emotionally.

I survived. For some reason, I am here and I am stronger for it.

I am sharing this because I hope that my voice will help someone else. There are better resources for victims of date rape violence then there were for me. Remember, it is not your fault.  There are people who will help.

I am grateful that there are more resources out there for victims of abuse today.  If you have been raped then please seek counseling immediately.